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  • Writer's pictureJaqi Furback

thank god I'm not hot

As an adult in her thirties, I have accepted that I'm "attractive." Not "hot," but like, "high school movie attractive." I'm the girl in the high school movies who gets abducted and made over by the pretty girls.. But I never got the makeover. I'm like this girl:

(but without the after photo).

or this dude:

It took me a really long time to figure out that I was even remotely pretty, so when I'm hit on by a traditionally handsome guy, it makes me severely uncomfortable.

But why am I mentioning this?


There's this guy. He's a pretty handsome guy. Ok, he's a pretty really handsome guy (don't tell him I admitted that). He's been coming in to my bar for sometime. We've barely exchanged hellos. The rules are, I pour him a few beers every couple of weeks, and he stays pretty quiet and moves along once he's done with beer 3. He's not attractive. He's intimidatingly attractive. He has the features of a high school fantasy.

Why do I mention him? Because he asked me out. He stressed the word "platonically," and I put his number and email in my notebook, assuming that was true. Our conversation was about screenwriting and philosophy, so I knew he was an interesting conversation. There was no rush for me to search his soul (mostly because I didn't realize he'd asked me out). I wouldn't mind having an extended conversation with him at some point, but I wasn't rushing it. I knew I'd see him again. That is the best and worst thing about working at a bar. If you meat a person at your job, they know where you work, and they can make an entrance whenever they want.

And he came back.

"Oh man, I meant to email you!" I said.

He said "cool," then we had our regularly scheduled conversation. I was busy, so it wasn't much.

"I'll be in touch," I promised, as he headed out the door.

A few days go by and I reach for his info in my notebook. I can't find it. "Oh well, I'll see him whenever."

And the next time I saw him, something had changed. He did that thing where he went from barely saying a word to cracking jokes every chance he got --- a move most guys do to flirt with me when they know I'm a comedian. I appreciate the effort, but I also appreciate actually getting to know someone without jokes. It's an intricate balance. He made me laugh genuinely 2x in 30 minutes (which is harder than you think), and then he actually asked me out, saying "I'm putting this in your hands. Text me in 20 minutes."

Yeah, bro, I'm at work, so .... you'll get a text whenever.

He texted me 2 hours later.

I didn't respond til 3 hours after that. I'm at work. You're interesting, but I'm living my life, here, dude. I'll get back to you when I'm not chatting with the awesome people that hang out at my bar. I don't prioritize people I just met, anymore --- I'm not 22.

When I did text, I shared with him the information that "My week is filling up, but I'll be available Wednesday evening, if you're around." This is where he disappears for a solid 20 hours and when he does text back, it is about everything but the alleged "date." No "yes," no "no." Just flirty texts that have nothing to do with spending time together. (I guess it's a taste of my own medicine.)

That's when I realize......

Ohhhhh riiiiiiiiight. He just wanted to know that he could get my attention. He didn't actually want to spend time with me. He's out doing that thing where people need to feel needed by someone who dismisses him.


I bet if Belle said yes immediately to Gaston, he'd be like "ughhhhhhh, this b*tch." The Beast would have never gotten his kiss for trying to save her. And Belle would have been arrested for bestiality (but not after popping out a litter of Beastly cubs).

But that's a side note.

My point is: If you're gonna ask someone out, maybe follow through. And if you're doing the chasing, don't bail the second she's interested. It's annoying.


I'm so glad I'm not hot. This'd probably happen even more than it does now.

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