• Jaqi Furback

#writeNovember : baby for sale


Madison, a rotund and blissful child, lays curled in her crib. She coos and gurgles through her dreams. Alice's shadow falls over the tiny ball of baby fat.

"You're the reason," she tells her spawn, with a frustration she never expected. "No one ever told me that once I had you, I'd have to sell Sir Slitherin." Alice glances across the room at a glass aquarium, containing a boa constrictor, also in its infancy.

The poor baby. Alice thinks about her snake. I can't believe I'm going to have to do this. He's so young.

Alice trudges to the desk and falls into the desk chair. She clicks open her Lenovo, and a familiar startup chime rings. She remembers the baby and turns over her shoulder.

"You better not wake up."

Madison gurgles in response.

As the computer sits idle on the startup page, Alice remembers why she's doing this. I have made a baby. This baby is mine, and it cannot get strangled. Not on my watch.

"Get this mother fuckin snake out my mother fuckin studio!" she whisper-shouts to herself. I gotta make this fun somehow. She pulls up one of many facebook "pet for sale" pages, and uses the quote to start her ad. She rests her hands on the keyboard.

Get this mothafuckin snake out my mothafuckin studio!

Nah. I think "house" sounds better than "studio." She deletes the title and starts over.

Get this mothafuckin snake out my mothafuckin house

Lightly used snake looking for loving owner for long walks on the beach,

romantic dinners of vermin. Maybe Netflix and chill?

Actually, maybe not the "chill" part cuz I'm already pretty cold blooded.

No taxidermists.

She includes her number at the bottom of the page. She hesitates before hitting "post."

I love my baby more than my snake, right? I can't believe that's a thing I have to remind myself. Aren't I supposed to just immediately love that thing? This post-pardum depression is heavy stuff.

Alice hits "POST" and smacks the computer shut. She spins her swivel chair toward the crib and mopes.

Worst case scenario, people could just be weirded out by the ad, and I can say I tried to get rid of him, but no one emailed and I can't just kill a living creature...

A second later, her phone buzzes on the desk next to her. She received her first facebook message response.

DAMMIT.

This is my first entry in #writeNovember: a challenge by my good friend Mishka Shubaly. He is a great author and a dear friend who inspires me to be better through his body of work and his reluctant desire for self-betterment. For more details on #writeNovember, the facebook event can be found here.

#writeNovember #exercise #silly #advertising #blog #shortstory