WANT a new computer, but don't NEED one yet?
We can all use an occasional tech update. But in this era of potential poverty line tax cuts, we've (me've) gotta pinch our pennies. It's hard justifying an extravagant purchase, especially when your current system still operates "well enough." So here's helpful tips to f*ck your old system so you need a new one.
1. READ THE NEWS
there's a lot of news out there, and most of it's infuriating. Read any of the latest headlines and I guarantee you'll burn your computer alive to avoid reading anymore. Congratulations, you need a new computer!
2. READ TRUMP'S TWEETS
Whether you're anti or pro trump, let's be honest: you read how people are responding to the tweet, too. Reading this insanity will make you want to burn it all down, and by it, I mean your computer. Congrats! you need a new computer. I'm sure the fire department will take a while. So grab your coat and chase that dream!
3. BE A WOMAN OR PERSON OF COLOR and report people on facebook for physically threatening or harrassing you.
Facebook will do nothing. They will tell you racial or gender slurs do not violate their community standards, but they will ban YOU for calling them out on it. 30 minutes later you will find yourself coming to from a rage blackout, a hammer in your hand and a fully destroyed laptop. Time for a trip to Apple! At least you'll never know for sure if the guy who made it is a sexist racist POS! (RIP Steve Jobs)
4. JUMP INTO AN ONLINE CONVERSATION ABOUT SEXUAL HARASSMENT, and say "it's about time men have to consider consequences of boning someone."
Your computer will melt from all of the twitter/reddit trolls who will accuse you of supporting women and victimizing men. How dare you turn the tables! Grab your pink pussy hat and head to Best Buy! Fresh computer, fresh start!
5. REFERENCE "GOD" AS A "SHE"
Your computer will implode from all the hypocritical douchebags that will digital-scream at you for not believing in the "correct" God. (They believe in the TRUE GOD, you know: the one who criticizes people with "ego.") Thankfully you won't even need to mourn the loss, you'll be too busy picking out your new God.
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU HEARD ME, CHURCHGOERS: TECHNOLOGY IS GOD.**
**(I say this because I need a new computer and I need a reason to get one.)