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  • Writer's pictureJaqi Furback

depression is a shadow

in honor of depression, there will be no capital letters in this post. it doesn't deserve them.

depression is a quiet shadow in a horror film and i am the clueless protagonist.

i catch glimpses when i spin around real fast, but most of the time it knows how to stay hidden over my shoulder. at first, it's only a vague sense of a threat. then my "fight or flight" activates. anxiety builds. but depression itself is never seen until it's swallows me whole. and then it's all i see. then i writhe in my clouded cave of quicksand, seeing no escape.

the reason i mention the sneaky quality to depression is that last month's sexual harassment coverage nudged me down that tunnel. the thing i'd loved more than life all of these years (comedy) betrayed me, and i could no longer ignore it. so i did everything an empath should never do: i watched the news. i read articles. i stayed current. and i crumbled faster than this guy here:

every day i stepped in landmines i've learned to avoid. i read, discussed & watched all the things i normally can't pay attention to. even waking up was a trigger. it all reminded me of the abuse i'd experienced over the years. well, i can't take it anymore. i need to move on and trust that the people that work in my industry will either evolve or expose themselves as monsters by defending those who have done wrong. from now on, i choose to work with good people. time to tighten that circle.

two days ago, instead of watching the news, i watched matthew mcconaughey give a 40 min motivational speech. i downloaded 5 self-help apps. i'm starting to feel better. we're all just doing the best we can. all right all right.

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