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  • Writer's pictureJaqi Furback



You've probably heard any woman over the age of 30 say it: "FAIRY TALES RUINED ME FOR RELATIONSHIPS." And it's true. They lead to unrealistic expectations. ON BOTH SIDES.

Sleeping Beauty told me that after being sheltered by my parents for my entire childhood, I would wake groggy from a nap with a man standing above me, and be like "Oooooh a man's face! Let's get married!"

This is how I got engaged at 19 and lost $4000 dollars that I never had to a DJ from Arizona.

Snow White told me the exact same thing could happen as Sleeping Beauty - but in the woods.

Maybe that's why I dated those twins who shared a back tattoo of a forest.


Sleeping Beauty. We all know the beginning. King gets cursed by Maleficent. His only daughter will prick her finger on a spindle and pass out for centuries. And of course, it happens. Not only that, but the castle becomes overrun with poisonous thorns and is protected by Maleficent herself.

Princes all over hear about this girl, and they freak the fuck out.

SIDE NOTE: how messed up is it that a bunch of dudes are like "ooh shit, this chick is asleep in that tower and will only wake up if the right prince kisses her. I'm gonna go for it."

Any dude that heads to the tower has to be the cockiest son of a bitch alive to think that he's the ONE GUY on the PLANET who can break the spell. Or he's a predator, thinking "she won't wake up no matter what I do." Either way, EWWWWWWW.

But there's nothing we can do about that. We can't protect the princess from thirsty dudes right now. The thorns and dragon outside are doing a good enough job at protecting her, anyway.


One day, this 20something bro-type Opportunist decides to see what's up with this guarded tower. He's heard the rumors and and considers it.

"Well, she's probably dead by now because I don't believe in magic. No one could last centuries, just sleeping. It'd be a cool story though if I went and found her dead body. Plus there's probably some cool ancient stuff I can salvage..."

Maleficent in dragon form pops out from behind some vines as he approaches the entrance to the parapet. "Oh shit a dragon. Nevermind. Not worth it."

The Opportunist decides to pass on the project, but mentions the dragon to his friend who happens to be a dragon-slaying Prince (the last of his kind). 

"I thought I'd mention it to you cuz --" the Opportunist starts, but the Prince interrupts.

"Fuck yes, I'll slay that dragon, bro!" The Prince is super stoked to kill another dragon. There weren't many left.

"Cool. I'm coming with. I'll document it and brand you as the super cool selfless hero. You'll be able to spin this into so much puss." 

The two high five, and head off to the castle. 

They arrive at their destination, and after a moment of rest to prepare, the Prince makes his way through the poisonous vines, and emerges unscathed. Maleficent arrives blowing fire again, and the Prince fights his heart out. Maleficent manages to counter every attack with an equally bad ass one. But despite her best efforts, the Prince eventually wins.

The battered and bloodied Prince limps up the stairs, with the help of his young friend. His face is bloodied, his breath is labored due to more than one cracked rib. The two emerge into the room at the top of the parapet. 

Lying in a bed on the opposite side of the room is a woman -- not a corpse, as they expected to be the case. She still breathes, and glows with youth, as if she had just laid down for a nap.

It's unbelievable. They look at each other. They look at the girl. She's so very beautiful.

"Lucky you." a grin expands across the face of the Opportunist. "Get over there." He winks.

"I mean, I guess I should try to kiss her, but this feels kind of weird...." the Prince hesitates, feeling uncomfortable about kissing a sleeping stranger. This is a different time than when the curse was made. He prefers to get consent.

"Whaddya mean, weird? You just slayed a dragon for her. You fucking deserve a kiss, bro." 

"I guess you're right. Otherwise she could never wake up."

The Prince crosses to the bed. He bends down and pecks her on the lips. After a moment he turns back to his friend.

"Do you notice anything?"

"Maybe you're supposed to use your tongue, bro. Or maybe... wrong lips?" The Opportunist chuckles to himself as the Prince hides his disgust with the implication. How did he never notice he kept such a creepy friend?

As the Prince acknowledges to himself that he should keep better company, the woman in the bed stirs. She wakes with a yawn and a bit of confusion. After a moment, she regains awareness and her animal brain screams "run!" The Prince's position on the bed blocks her path to flee (plus she probably couldn't run right now, if she tried), so she instead slides as far away from him as possible on the bed.

"Who are you?" she asks.

"I'm here to rescue you." He responds calmly.

"You killed Maleficent?" 

He nods. 

"Wow. Thank you." She relaxes.

The Princess and the Prince look at each other, knowing that the lore of what is to follow. A Royal Wedding. The Opportunist watches from the corner, hoping for a hot and heavy makeout session.

The Prince clears his throat. "So... can I take you to dinner at some point this week? Get to know each other?"

"Oh, umm... I've kind of been locked in this tower for the past couple of centuries and never got the chance to actually live my life, so... I don't really think it's smart for me to jump in to seeing someone."

"Oh... but isn't it --"

"I mean, I have no life experience. I wouldn't be a good partner to someone who wants an equal marriage."

"UNGRATEFUL BITCH." the Opportunist is disgusted. 

"Excuse me?" the Princess gasps at the strong assumption.

"He slayed a dragon for you to be able to wake from your sleep. YOU OWE HIM YOUR LIFE. Honestly, you should be sucking his dick right now." 

The Princess's eyes get wide. Who is this monster? Does the Prince share the same opinion? Is this the moment she experiences rape?

The Prince turns toward his friend in the corner. "Dude, shut up." 

In her optimism, the Princess reads this as a sign that the Prince doesn't share his friend's opinion, though it doesn't change her desire to plead her case. 

"I don't want you to think I'm ungrateful. I'm incredibly grateful and will do my best to show you that for the rest of my life. I will do that by leading a life worth living. First I'll develop an antidote to the poison that stole my life." Her voice wavers in fear.

The Prince calms her. "It's cool, princess. You're gorgeous, but I don't really believe in monogamy, anyway." She sighs, relieved. He continues. "Now let's get you introduced to the 21st century." He leans his back against the wall and motions for her to sit next to him. He pulls out his phone, and opens up Google. "What do you want to know?"


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